‘Sex With a Brain Injury’ reveals how concussions can test relationships

When Annie Liontas was 35, they received into a motorcycle accident whereas using and not using a helmet. They hadn’t damaged any bones, and there wasn’t signal of great blood loss, however one thing wasn’t proper.

Liontas, who identifies as genderqueer, and makes use of they/them pronouns, remembers calling a buddy and not likely understanding what he was saying — or the phrases that had been popping out of their very own mouth. They ended up on the hospital, feeling disoriented. It was as if “the world [had] began to form of pull aside somewhat bit, prefer it virtually felt like taffy,” they recall. A CAT scan confirmed that Liontas had sustained a concussion.

Although Liontas appeared to get better from the preliminary mind harm, two fluke incidents within the yr that adopted exacerbated their situation. First, a child automotive seat fell onto their head at an enormous field retailer, after which a pot fell on them whereas they had been watering vegetation.

An writer and writing professor at George Washington College, Liontas continues to dwell with the repercussions of the three mind accidents. “If I shake the orange juice too exhausting, that would result in a migraine. If I faucet my head on a shelf — and I imply faucet — that may result in a migraine,” they are saying.

Within the new memoir, Intercourse With a Mind Damage, Liontas describes how their concussion led to dizziness, reminiscence fog and anger — and impacted their marriage and intercourse life.

“Nothing is unclaimed by this type of harm,” Liontas says. “Not solely do you lose TV or music or studying, however even simply being in your physique on this means that’s about connection, immediately was not out there to me for a really very long time.”

The pressure from the concussion practically ended Liontas’ marriage, however finally, Liontas says, they’ve managed to discover a “new regular”: “[My wife] was anxious that who I might been was gone perpetually — and who we had been was additionally gone,” they are saying. “However we are also far more trustworthy in sure methods with each other, and might see and help each other, I believe, with extra fortitude and resilience now. We snigger at extra issues collectively — since you sort of must.”

Interview highlights

On experiencing three mind accidents within the span of 1 yr

I used to be in somewhat little bit of disbelief [when the car seat fell on me], like, no, this cannot be one other concussion. It wasn’t like hitting my head on asphalt. It is only a field. I am in a retailer. There’s vibrant lights. Like, I’ve to be protected there. This cannot be taking place. And, certain sufficient, it was far worse than the primary harm, which … I had sort of come out of that OK. However that second harm occurred, and the signs had been compounding. …

The third harm was additionally a little bit of a fluke. I used to be watering a plant and the pot fell. In hindsight, now, nothing is allowed above my head anyplace. I imply, I am going to go to a lodge and take the portray off a wall if I’ve to. I believe this is quite common for people who find themselves affected by head accidents that you just change into, on the worst of it, there is a sort of paranoia that may overtake you. However, at one of the best, you are fairly diligent and conscious. And, I ought to say, that that extends past me too; now my spouse has an alertness, and my finest buddy has an alertness.

On blaming themself for the accidents

If one thing occurs 3 times, you get hit within the head 3 times with a coconut, you are form of like, why am I sitting underneath this tree? For me, I believe, I’ve began to suppose that there is this unsolvable knot that all of us have. And by age 35, 37, no matter you have been operating from, evading, indulging, it sort of catches up with you. For me, a few of it’s simply unhealthy luck, however … loads of it was that I assumed that I might get via life utterly independently of everybody, together with my spouse. I might simply hold caring for myself. However, in fact, people should not constructed that means, and for those who’re injured or sick, you may’t. You’re in a totally new, weak place. However the issue with head harm, delicate head harm notably, is that it is so invisible, we do not see it. We don’t know individuals are strolling round with this situation. Loads of the individuals closest to me had been anxious that this was one thing else, that it was nervousness, that it was melancholy.

On a check within the hospital during which they had been requested to attract a clock

It was so disturbing. There are particular points of your individual information that you just simply take without any consideration, even while you’re unraveling. And that was certainly one of possibly two or three situations in my restoration once I noticed myself mirrored again to myself. … The practitioner requested me to attract a clock and simply put the numbers the place they need to go. They usually had been all bunched up like I used to be a primary grader, and I did not even get the 6 proper. … That was the begin to a fairly lengthy highway of recalibration.

On having a disaster of self as a result of they may not learn or write

I used to be grappling with this disaster of the conceptualized self. That is what the philosophers name it while you actually go from understanding who you’re in the future to the rug sort of being pulled out from underneath you. And for me, it was like, as a author, as an energetic individual, as somebody who was robust in physique and thoughts and spirit to be actually weak and incapacitated, to not have the ability to write, to not have the ability to really feel assured in entrance of a classroom, … that actually taxed me and it is one thing that I have been crawling again from and grappling with.

On counting on their spouse in restoration

We do have a sort of cultural framework round most cancers, to have the ability to reply to in a means that we do not have fairly but for circumstances like traumatic mind harm. And so it was this large paradigmatic shift for us in our personal non-public relationship, the place immediately the roles had been shifting, or we needed to be current for each other in ways in which we hadn’t been earlier than. It was an actual check. … Even for those who’re ranging from a very robust place, one thing like mind harm can actually rock the connection. …

I am grateful that I am with somebody who understands that love calls for a sort of elasticity so that folks can develop and might change. And, in fact, on this context, within the context of the mind harm, that needed to occur too quick. And that was the rationale for the pressure and the problem. But additionally, I imply, we simply determined we’ll hold making an attempt – and that does make all of the distinction.

On getting via a protracted interview

Simply to be clear, as a result of I’d hate to misrepresent the situation, I’ve loads of notes in entrance of me, and I memorized elements of those solutions, and I form of handled this like finding out for the boards. Largely as a result of I do know that it is actually necessary to get the data on the market. However I additionally suppose it is necessary to be clear about the truth that this does take loads of work, this extroversion and relaying of this type of information. And I simply need individuals on the market who’re struggling to know that I can recognize that that is what they are going via.

Sam Briger and Thea Chaloner produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Diane Webber tailored it for the net.