Naughty or nice? How Santa decides which politicians get Christmas gifts

Guess who’s again?

Sure, it’s that point of 12 months once more. Don’t get me incorrect, I really like Christmas — however this job will get harder because the years go by: lengthy hours, no breaks and the pay is horrible (milk and cookies! Who will get paid in meals lately?). 

However somebody’s gotta do it — these presents gained’t magically ship themselves on Christmas Eve!

And it’s not simply kids who get items, the world’s politicians do too — at the very least those I deem to have been good over the earlier 12 months.

Talking of politicians, I’ve stored an in depth eye on the COP28 negotiations in Dubai, as (between you and me) I’m fairly grateful for local weather change. Do you could have any concept how chilly it will get up there within the sky in December as I fly round in my sleigh? The reindeer preserve threatening to go on strike if I don’t set up some form of heating system. At the very least now, the night time winter winds are a bit hotter.

I do know the kids are all up in arms in regards to the planet warming, however I’m an previous man and I’ve my opinions #sorrynotsorry. (Did I do this proper? Mrs. Claus taught me about hashtags, so I believed I’d attempt utilizing them.)

Proper — now it’s time to undergo my listing of leaders and see in the event that they deserve a present for Christmas. I don’t verify the listing twice, by the best way, that’s simply what the tune says.

Up first is a straightforward resolution …. Vladimir from Russia.

That’s a no-fly zone if I’ve ever seen one. And never as a result of I’m apprehensive about missiles — human expertise can’t detect me — it’s that the roofs in Purple Sq. have all the time been too pointy for me. I’m not a fan of wars both, they simply don’t seem to be a good suggestion. After which there’s the entire Yeygeny Prigozhin enterprise, very messy.

So no presents for Vladimir this Christmas — both from me or my Russian cousin, Ded Moroz. Like final Christmas and the one earlier than that.

Subsequent on the listing is Volodymyr. Stunned he didn’t ask for a brand new sweater — however really his listing merely asks for night time’s sleep. You and me each, pal! You’re on the great listing.

Subsequent is Olaf from Germany. I do know a snowman by that identify, so I assume you may say I’ve a comfortable spot for Olaf, and that’s most likely why he makes it onto the great listing.

So let’s give Olaf what he needs … cash. He actually wants money to repair the huge gap within the German authorities’s finances.

It’s often round this level within the night that I head south for heat, and Greece is all the time choice.

Kyriakos could make the great listing, I suppose, as he didn’t actually ask for a lot: just a few previous marbles again. Appears truthful sufficient to me. I gained’t steal them for him although — I’m Santa, not a prison! — so I can solely supply ethical assist.

Let’s see, who’s subsequent? Now, that is an attention-grabbing one. 

Giorgia from Italy requested for a guide. The Italian prime minister needs a replica of “Uno, nessuno, centomila” by Luigi Pirandello. That’s examine the concept everybody has a number of personalities. I assume she needs to be taught extra about methods to current completely different faces to completely different individuals — good luck remembering who you actually are after that!

I simply hope she’ll perceive this guide, she appeared a bit confused in regards to the that means of the Tolkien novel she requested for a number of years in the past.

Let’s cross the Alps. Manu’s subsequent.

Cheeky fellow, that French chief. I by no means know the place to place him, is he naughty or good? Powerful one.

And he’s requested for a friendship bracelet, to provide to Viktor in Hungary. He appears to have a liking for dangerous boys, does Emmanuel. The friendship bracelet he gave to Vladimir in Russia didn’t work out so effectively. Good on him for not giving up although.

I’ve obtained to get to Brussels now, to somebody who lives in her workplace. Ursula, I believe she’s known as. I’m very dangerous with names. 

She’s requested for one thing unusual: a stuffed wolf. Not simply any wolf, however a reasonably particular Canis lupus generally known as GW950m. I believe he’s nonetheless alive, in order that feels a bit unethical. Let’s skip that request.

My closing cease in Europe is the UK the place Boris needs a toy bus.

I don’t suppose those he builds himself are notably good, so maybe he wants a mannequin to be taught from. However then once more, does he ever observe directions?

Whereas it’s good to see he realized to apologize out loud, that gained’t repair all of the messes he’s made. He’s nonetheless on my naughty listing — so overlook the bus, mate. Maybe subsequent 12 months.

And guess what Rishi has requested for? Additionally a toy bus.

What are the possibilities? I’m wondering if he wants to review a option to ship immigrants to different international locations by land now that his Rwanda plan is wanting unsure.

Phew, that was exhausting. I have to look into hiring a helper. Even members of the European Parliament get assistants. And MEPs hardly do any work.

I’m off to the opposite facet of the Atlantic, the place a great deal of random requests have come. Somebody known as Donald needs a 12 months’s provide of orange basis as a gift. However I’ll allow you to guess which listing I’ve put him on.

Merry Christmas!

Santa Claus was chatting with POLITICO’s Giulia Poloni.